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Lucy is the grumpy, bossy, seven-year-old bully featured in the Peanuts syndicated cartoon strip (published from 1950 to 2000). In her psychiatric advice booth, she dispensed therapeutic insights for a nickel. Unfortunately, Lucy’s “solutions” to her clients’ problems invariably made them feel worse. For example, the first time her classmate Charlie Brown visited Lucy’s booth to seek help for his depression, Lucy’s advice was “Just snap out of it! Five cents please.”

 

But was this little tyrant onto something? Could she unknowingly have invented a prototype for speed coaching? Consider this:

 

A buddy and I asked our mutual friend Lilly to celebrate her birthday with us. She replied:

 

Oh my goodness – this is just absolutely the greatest and most amazing treat!!! I almost feel guilty though - what did I ever do to deserve all that?! Seriously – is there anything I can bring to contribute? You both are going thru so much effort for me. I’m now already thinking how I can reciprocate and show my love and appreciation to you both. Also, I sincerely hope this doesn’t put both of you so far behind in your work that you’ll end up with even more stress after all that.

 

(Problem) Lilly feels undeserving, maybe even a little guilty.

 

(Annie’s 5¢ advice) If, after due reflection, you decide to accept a goodie, don’t permit second thoughts to tarnish your experience. Instead, go for it! Channel your energy into savoring the experience (vs. imagining the downside). Replace invalidating thoughts (“They’re sacrificing their time and money for me…”) with affirming ones (“My friends are doing this because we have so much fun together…”)  Put your foot on the gas pedal, not on the brake.

 

Life is like ice-cream: eat it before it melts. Hussein Nishah

 

What kind of speedy advice would you dispense at your Psychiatric Help stand?

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What stands in the way of making changes in our own lives (or even trying)? Why do we resist modifying our habits of thought and action to improve the quality of our lives? For example:

 

• Setting aside more time to spend alone, with friends, with family
• Becoming more patient
• Changing eating/exercise habits
• Meditating regularly
• Minimizing procrastination
• Managing anger
• Communicating more truthfully, kindly, appropriately

 

I asked a dozen friends and colleagues:

 

It’s too much work

• Unless it’s super important, I won’t have the willpower or energy to make it happen.
• I’d have to be pretty miserable to go to all the trouble of trying to change when I don’t “feel the pain.”
• Everyone is so busy – this is just one more thing to do, and requires dedication, commitment and focus.
• I’m a lazy person: it’s easier to make do with the way things are now. It’s how I am: I like to chill.

 

When people ask me what really changed my life, I tell them that absolutely the most important thing was changing what I demanded of myself. I wrote down all the things I would no longer accept in my life, all the things I would no longer tolerate, and all the things I aspired to becoming. ― Anthony Robbins (paraphrased)

 

No guarantees

• You can’t tell if you’ll get a return on your investment of time and commitment. Will the change make things better, worse, or have no impact at all?
• What if I get what I thought I wanted and it turns out to be something different from what I really wanted or expected? Others will laugh at me. And while we’re on the subject, how do I know what I really want before I get it?
• What if I try but can’t change? I’ll look (and feel) like even more of a failure than I am now.

 

Love my comfort Zone

• I’ve learned to manage my baggage, habits, and emotions, like the people I hang with. I feel nice and comfortable when life is steady.
• Einstein famously observed that doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results is the definition of insanity.  But it’s also the definition of familiarity and security.
• It’s easy to become complacent in situations where you know the problems and are familiar with the consequences. I’ve learned to live with my problems.
• Change will put me in a place that is outside my comfort zone and I won’t know how to respond—or return to the status quo if I need to.

 

Nothing is easy to the unwilling. ― Thomas Fuller

 

Afraid

• Change feels like “loss” so the prospect of going through the grief cycle is not a welcome ride.
• It takes courage to step into the unknown, even if you firmly believe in your vision of what that holds. This may be why people stay in poor relationships and jobs even when miserable.
• To make a change you need support. While some people have a network or are good at asking for help – others are afraid to ask.

 

Named must your fear be before banish it you can. – Yoda

 

Feel guilty about:

• Those “left behind” (who will ensure they are ok?)
• Leaving unfinished business (pushing/dropping the workload on others
• Breaking a commitment (to complete a project or goal)
• Hurting someone (leaving/changing a relationship = rejection)

 

Not on my radar

• Before you can make a change you have to admit that something needs changing. This means being in tune with your emotions, values, and expectations.
• Whatever it is, let it pass. There will always be something or other that’s not going your way—such is life.
• Most stuff just isn’t that important: when it is, I’ll be forced to change, like it or not.

 

I checked out what The Experts are saying

• Our brains crave predictability—it’s safer and uses less energy to repeat familiar patterns, thoughts, and actions.
• Self-control is an exhaustible resource. In most change situations, we’re substituting new, unfamiliar behaviors for old, comfortable ones, and that burns self-control. Change wears us out—even well-intentioned people will simply run out of fuel.
• We think, feel, and behave out of long-standing habits based on childhood experiences instead of adult reality. Our baggage causes us to react to the world in a defensive way: with knee-jerk responses that are no longer beneficial or adaptive.
• We want the circumstances of our life—or the people in our life—to change, but without the hassle of making an effort. We want to think and act in the same ways, yet we also want a better result.
• When we feel like we’re not in control, we lose our sense of invulnerability. We realize we’re not as powerful as we thought. Ironically, making deliberate changes increases our control—over our mind set, goals, actions, beliefs, and values.

 

I considered what scares me—the thought of allowing stubbornness, fear, laziness, fatigue, inhibitions, or self-righteousness to stop me from building the best possible life. I’m determined to smooth out my rough edges.

 

Five Techniques to Make it Happen

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ― Maria Robinson

 

Have a tough conversation—with yourself. Be brave, fair, and persistent: address the real issues, rather than the things that feel safe and familiar. Listen to your instincts. Examine your contribution to the circumstances. Explore the feelings, experiences, and relationships you’ve avoided examining. Answer these questions to your complete satisfaction: how will making this change benefit me? What will happen if things stay the same?

 

Thin-slice it—Divide the behavior into “slivers” and work on one at a time. After you’re good with the first little piece, add another—and another—until you’ve got it down. By using this process, you’ll pay more attention to each behavior and see it in more detail, vividness, clarity, and depth. Then practice: fine-tune your behavior until it feels right. Here’s an example of thin-slicing the goal become more patient:

 

Slice 1   Recognize that “edgy” feeling as soon as it starts.

 

Slice 2  Write down three measurements that will demonstrate an increase in patience.

 

Slice 3  Notice what specific action(s) in others, in me, or in the situation give rise to my irritation.

 

Slice 4  Create three—five behaviors to counteract the feeling of impatience:

• Say “it’s not important in the big picture.”
• Focus on the details of the incident.
• Change tense body language to relaxed gestures/expressions.
• Do/say exactly the opposite of what I actually feel like doing.

 

Slice 5  Ask two patient people how they keep themselves so nice and steady.

 

Take it for a test drive—Self-development blogger Steve Pavlina recommends a trial period. He writes that we psych ourselves out of getting started by thinking about change as permanent. It seems overwhelming to think about making a big change and sticking with it every day for the rest of our lives.

 

But if we think about making the change only temporary—say for 30 days—and then going back to our old habits, we could do it. Any perceived deprivation would be temporary.  And if we actually complete the trial, we’ll have:

 

• Broken the pattern of our old habit.
• 30 days of success under our belts, and feel confident that we can succeed.
• Vastly increased our ability to make the habit permanent.
• The option of extending the trial period to 60 or 90 days. The longer we go with the trial period, the easier it will be to lock in the new habit.
• Built up 30 days worth of results and will know what to expect if we continue.
• A good reason to stop (if the new habit doesn’t suit us).

 

Enlist the help of a partner (technique developed by executive coach Marshall Goldsmith)

• Identify a reliable person who’s willing to speak with you for 3-5 minutes each day: consistency is critical.
• Each of you writes a maximum of five small, achievable goals. (For example “I will let others’ negative speech/behaviors pass me by.”) Next to each goal, leave a space for a rating and optional comments. Email this framework/grid to your partner.
• At an agreed-upon time each day, contact your partner. He or she reads your goals aloud, one at a time, and records your ratings using a scale of 0 (not applicable on that day), 1 (fell off the wagon), 2 (I made progress), and 3 (I acted just the way I wanted to). Take turns.
• After a couple of successful months, replace the goals you’ve achieved with new ones.
• You and your conversation partner can fill in comments (for optional discussion at the end of the month).

 

Focus—Consistent, focused attention is the key to sorting out and resolving virtually every problem and challenge: anything we consistently give our attention to will change our perspective—even if we do nothing else. To maintain our concentration, we have to stop irrelevant thoughts and tasks from coming into focus. Because once we start an action, a behavioral loop begins that makes it harder to stop that action (e.g. reading emails, surfing the net, answering text messages, etc.). Multitasking interferes with focus, because the brain “wants” to attend to one thing at a time. A person who is doing two+ things at a time takes 50% longer to accomplish each task, makes up to 50% more errors, and feels mentally tired.

 

What is the one goal (that if completed), could change everything?

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Chronic annoyances nag at us and deplete our enthusiasm. We’re distracted by the frustrations we don’t deal with: they can grow into king size, industrial strength problems. And since our daily supply of energy is limited, it’s best to handle these irritations now rather than struggle with them every day.

 

For example, let’s say that you’re ticked off by your boss’s discourtesy. Multitasking is her modus operandi, and she does it during meetings, casual conversations, meals, telephone calls, performance reviews…you name it. First question: What is it costing you to put up with it?

 

So far, you’ve thought about:

 

1. Minimizing it:

• That’s just the way she is.
• There are plenty of things I like about this job.
• Maybe she (or I) will get promoted and I’ll have a different boss.
• Maybe someone else will tell her.
• I’ll wait until the next employee engagement survey or 360º assessment.

 

2. Complaining—You’ve rolled your eyes, shaken your head, and dropped hints to co-workers about how you’re fed up with your inconsiderate, disengaged boss.

 

3. Ignoring it—When you’re together, you stare at the spot between her eyebrows, breathe slowly, and arrange your features into a pleasant expression.

 

4. Over-reacting—You decide to avoid real-time interactions. When possible, you send emails or leave voicemails. You don’t eat lunch at her favorite restaurant.

 

5. Berating yourself for not doing anything—You call yourself names: coward, whiner, and pushover.

 

6. Waiting until you can’t stand it anymore —Sooner or later, you’ll lose your temper—which may very well bring things to a head.

 

If the cumulative cost is greater than the effort required to deal with it, ask yourself the second question: What am I going to do about it today?  Well, you could put on your big boy pants and…

 

…deal with it—Frustration with an end is better than frustration without an end. So think of a way to compel your boss to pay attention. For example, ask her opinion about the topic at hand. Acknowledge her attentiveness every time she’s fully present (“I’m glad you noticed that too: what should we do?”)  And for sure, model the behavior you’d like to see from her.

 

Finally, is it really necessary to ask for permission to speak, or apologize for taking a stand? (e.g.)

• Can I tell you something?  (or) May I make a point about communication?
• Well, this is only my opinion but… (or) I’m not sure if you’ll agree with me but…

 

Instead, consider saying I have a suggestion for improving our communication. (And then say it.)

 

How have you de-bugged your life recently?

 

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not! (Unknown)

 

Next time: Handling Big, Hairy, Audacious Changes

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How could you?

I can’t believe you just said that!

Tell me you’re not serious…

 

Sound familiar?

 

People shock us because (deep down), we consider our own words, thoughts, and actions as the standard for prudent and reasonable behavior. So when they say or do something that falls far outside our “acceptable” range, it makes us uneasy—at the least.

 

In our age of global connectivity, the Golden Rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) just doesn’t cut it. As advocates of communication style assessments (e.g. DiSC, Emotional and Social Competency Inventory, MBTI, SDI, Emergenetics, True Colors etc.) point out, one size does not fit all—or even most. Intellectually, we accept this. Emotionally, we reject it. We like the idea of diversity but not always the reality.

 

Case in point: a group of us treated our friend Merilee to a few glasses of wine to celebrate a trifecta: her engagement, job promotion, and new home.  As the evening progressed, she began to share personal details about Audrey, a manager at our company whom Merilee has known for many years—even before she (Merilee) began to work there.

 

She didn’t seem to be intoxicated, and acted as though there was nothing unusual about disclosing private information about others. She revealed intimate details about Audrey’s divorce, home foreclosure, and how Audrey wanted to quit but felt financially stuck at the company.  We were all relieved when the evening ended. We felt uncomfortable about hearing too much private information about a manager whom we all knew.  We worried that Merilee would eventually sabotage herself via her “TMI” inclination.  And we wondered if we needed to distance ourselves from her to avoid becoming potential targets of her tendency to say too much.

 

The next day, Merilee’s friends met for lunch and debated what to do. Here’s the gist:

 

#1– I think we need to tell her that we’re concerned: one day she’s going to shoot herself in the foot if she speaks too freely to the wrong person, not to mention the damage she could do to someone else’s reputation.

 

#2 – No way! It would ruin her good memories of the party. She’d feel ashamed and humiliated—like we were judging her. Hey–everyone gossips a little from time to time.

 

#3 – And it’s not our place to tell her what to do. After all, she got along just fine before she met us. If Audrey happens to hear what Merilee’s been saying, they’ll figure out how to handle it.

 

#4 – I know: let’s float a trial balloon. We could say “Woman, you were in rare form last night,” and see where it goes.

 

#5 – What if we offer suggestions in keeping with her behavioral style? I’d say she’s an “I,” right?

 

#4 – She seems more like a “D” to me…

 

#2 – Look—it won’t matter if our words match her style: the message is just too tough to hear.

 

Although we didn’t know how she’d like us to handle the situation, each of us knew how we’d like to handle it—in the way that felt “right.” And even though we all subscribed to the Platinum Rule in theory (treat others the way they want to be treated), we followed the Golden Rule in practice. Because it’s really, really hard to go against our deep, abiding beliefs, no matter what we think we should do or how we think we should feel. In our everyday lives, our brains translate feeling right into being right.

 

So if you’re ever in this situation, here’s a question you can ask yourself:  “Will I do more harm by stating my concerns than the person is likely to do to him/herself by engaging in the behavior again?”

 

If your answer is “no,” then here’s another question to consider: “How can I say it so that she (or he) will be more likely to act in her own best interest in the future?”

 

What’s your take?

 

In all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. Mark Twain

 

 

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My colleague felt discouraged. She’d asked her new boss how he felt about her facilitation of a recent planning retreat, and he’d summarized what she did well and where she needed to improve. She thanked him, walked to her office, closed the door, and called me. Humiliated, she focused her attention only on his critical comments. I’m so embarrassed, she said. He thinks I’m incompetent. Now it’s just a matter of time until I screw up again…and the other shoe drops.

 

Why do we set our radar to scan for threats rather than opportunities?  Why do we dwell on the speed bumps instead of the journey? Since many “other shoes” will drop throughout our lifetime, why not pick them up, try them on for size, and then put them in the closet (or fix them so they fit more comfortably)?

 

Here’s why: because our brain (like a casino), has the “house” advantage. And while it’s possible through skillful play to minimize the house advantage, it’s extremely rare for a player to have enough skill and experience to completely eliminate his or her inherent long-term disadvantage (aka the “house edge”). This is because:

• Our brain is much more finely tuned to threats than to neutral or positive stimuli, and the threat response is powerful, instantaneous, impossible to ignore, and hard to dislodge.
• We reinforce our brain’s autonomic response by fixating on threats (and becoming frightened and resentful).

 

As social beings we thrive when we’re accepted and supported by our group and falter when we think people don’t recognize our value. The Zulu proverb umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu means a person is a person because of other people. In other words, our self-esteem arises from relating to each other. We experience “personhood” and interconnectedness in the context of those we need, trust, and care about.

 

Stopping the Other Shoe from Dropping

We can’t reason away our emotions. But we can diminish “the other shoe” reaction through action and an attitude adjustment:

• Take a walk and/or make yourself a cup of something good to drink.
• Reach for a thought that feels just a little bit better. When that second thought has taken hold, reach for another thought that feels even better…and so on.
• Permit yourself a few minutes—several times a day—to experience your fear. When your time is up, push the worrisome thoughts from your mind.
• Describe (to yourself) the way you want to think and behave. Affirmations help by forming new synapses—but only when a genuine emotion accompanies and matches your thought.

 

The point is to snap the brain out of a disabling loop, to uncouple the link between a past event and a future fear. Unfortunately, our most consistent adversary is often our own viewpoint, slowly strengthened by physical, mental, and emotional habits.

 

How do you deal with anxiety?

 

We have met the enemy, and they are us. Walt Kelly.

 

 

 

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Have you seen the movie? It’s set in a world where nobody is capable of telling a falsehood because lying hasn’t been invented (yet). The central character has fallen on hard times: he’s losing his job, the woman of his dreams, his home. In desperate straits, he inadvertently stumbles onto the concept of deception. And as soon as the first lie leaves his lips, his life starts to improve—big time.

 

Would you like to live in a world where everyone always tells the truth?  It’s an interesting (but moot) question, because our brain prevents us from speaking and acting honestly all the time. As our CEO, COO, and CLO combined, its primary job function is to help us survive, adapt, and reproduce. And if an occasional lie is the best way to achieve that goal, well…it’s the price we have to pay. Right?

 

Like many complex choices, this one comes tinted in shades of gray more often than painted pure black or white. When our circumstances become stressful or risky, we usually do what we think will get us the results we want. And this is exactly where nurture and nature compete for our verdict. On one hand, we genuinely want to behave like the best version of ourselves. On the other hand, we don’t want to intentionally act against our own best interests.

 

Furthermore, our brain grabs the advantage by squirting emotion into the mix, which we interpret as “intuition.”  And we all know how it feels to ignore messages from our gut.

 

So what should we do if a direct, honest response is likely to alienate or offend? Is it more important to maintain a strong social bond or speak the truth (if we can’t do both)? As a coach, this happens often: people resist points of view that don’t appeal to them. But this situation happens personally as often as professionally: here’s a small example.

 

I was chatting with a few family members. Someone asked my opinion about a recent (and controversial) health benefits solution proposed by the President. Five heads turned in my direction. DARN! Not only did I want to express my opinion (forcefully); I also wanted to persuade the others to adopt my position. And in that moment, I didn’t feel like pretending to agree, evading the question, or placating anyone.

 

Here’s what I did. (Mentally) I ran the True-Kind-Necessary test: is what I’m about to say true, kind, and necessary? If the answer to all three is yes, then I frame my words as considerately and helpfully as I can. Sometimes I say, let me think about that for a minute…and buy time to pull together a suitable answer.

 

Then I made eye contact, nodded, smiled, leaned forward in my chair, and said, I’d like to discuss this with you, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea. Because we have conflicting political views, our discussions usually get pretty intense. I’m worried that our conversation will become stressful and argumentative and it’ll make it hard to relax and enjoy our time together (I paused). What do you think?  (Another pause.) He said, you’re a real wuss, your know that? But you’re probably right. Had he said, So what? That’ll make the conversation more interesting, I would have answered, OK—you talk and I’ll listen–with an open mind.

 

For me, diffusing the situation is much better than lying, arguing, withdrawing or surrendering.

 

Is dishonesty at odds with emotional intelligence?  Is our integrity automatically compromised if we don’t tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? What do you think?

 

“Integrity is a bugger, it really is. Lying can get you into difficulties, but to really wind up in the crapper, try telling nothing but the truth.”  David Mitchell

 

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A recent LinkedIn conversation started with this question: If you suddenly had a better memory, what are three things that you would like to be better at remembering? Names? Main points of a conversation? The sales process? Where you left your keys (or your car)? Lots of people say they would like a better memory, but…what would you use it for?

 

Because the act of memorizing strengthens the density and strength of connections within the brain, I’d use a better memory to increase my creativity and knowledge.  To understand how this comes together, consider your brain’s point of view:

• Our nervous system feeds me (your brain) your observations, so I can pull together a sense of what’s happening now and what’s likely to happen in the future. To the extent that I succeed, your responses to new information will get better and better, increasing your fitness to thrive.
• When I get these observations, I search through the bits and pieces of existing memory to determine which information relates to the current circumstances. (BTW: in most situations, I don’t need an exact account of your impressions, but only the gist—the essential significance and relevance.)
• But I couldn’t “take in” new information if I didn’t have a set of basic related facts to which I can fasten new facts—or, put another way—to learn.  (After all, it takes knowledge to gain knowledge.)  When information goes “in one ear and out the other,” it’s often because it has nothing to stick to.

 

So if you want an experience to be deeply memorable, you have to create vigorous neural connections.  All you need is practice and a few techniques. So, to get you started, here’s a technique (one of many) used by the mental athletes who actually compete in tournaments. (Note: the 15th USA Memory Championship will be held in New York City on Saturday, March 24, 2012.)

 

The Journey Method

1. On the day you first try this technique, jot down your To Do list in the order you’ll tackle the items. For instance:

• Drop off dog at groomer.
• Mail package (of baked goodies) at post office.
• Buy avocadoes, artichokes, beer, pretzels, spaghetti.
• Pick up suit at tailor shop…and so on.

2. Now choose a familiar setting: your home, office, school, gym, the route you take to work (or to the golf course)…you get it.
3. Associate each task with an image. In each image include:

• Several senses—sight, smell, hearing, taste, touch (and emotions help a lot as well).
• An imaginary context (think Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry).

4.  Now, place each image at a physical location along your route. (Say that you’ve selected your home as the physical location.) Putting it all together, here’s how it works:

• (Drop off dog at groomer.) As you approach the curb in front of your house or apartment, you’re astonished to see your dog sitting in a small claw foot bathtub covered in suds. She’s scrubbing her right front leg with a loofah and sighing with pleasure. You can smell the wet-dog aroma.
• (Mail package at post office.)  As you approach your front door, you see a large package wrapped in red, white, and blue paper. You can even see what’s inside: six dozen cake pops—and they’re all singing “take me out to the post office.” Your mouth waters in anticipation.
• (Buy avocadoes, artichokes, beer, pretzels, spaghetti.) You open the door and see two people shooting pool in the entry hall. Instead of balls, one is using avocado pits, the other, artichoke hearts.  You’re irritated, because the floor is scattered with dark green skins and pointy leaves. In an attempt to neaten up, a third person is washing the floor with a mop and a bucket of beer. You remember how the head of foam tickles your nose. You continue on to the kitchen and catch sight of the window coverings.  Instead of your bamboo roller blinds, one shade is made of spaghetti and the other of pretzel sticks. You break off a couple of salt-dotted pretzels and pop them into your mouth.
• (Pick up suit at tailor shop.) You’re thirsty, so you get a drinking glass from the cabinet and head for the ice machine.  When you hold the glass under the dispenser and press the lever, miniature business suits fall out of the spout, clinking gently as they tumble into the glass…and so on.

 

The point of this game is not to overload your memory: your portable digital storage devices have got your back and you’re not looking to increase your information overload.  The real goal is to strengthen your memory.

 

After checking your actual To Do list against your mental scenarios for a few days, you’ll be able to stop writing a list. You may even want to create separate To Do lists (and choose two different routes): one for work and one for home.

 

How we perceive the world and how we act in it are products of how and what we remember.  To the extent that we control our lives, we do so by modifying our memory networks. Our ability to find humor in the world, to make connections between previously unconnected notions, to create new ideas, to share in a common culture: all these acts depend on memory.

 

Our memories make us who we are: they set our values and shape our character.

 

Thanks to scientific journalist Joshua Foer for his charming, original, and entertaining exploration of the human memory. His research-based book Moonwalking with Einstein: The Art and Science of Remembering Everything ©2011, inspired me to start memorizing my daily To Do lists as soon as I closed the back cover.  And darn if it doesn’t work!

 

Do you have a favorite memory technique that you’d like to share?

 

Floreant Dendritae! (May your brain cells flourish!) Tony Buzan, memory expert

 

 

 

 

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